Is this a good story?

You did it a little quickly. If it was me i would describe the surroundings the people and the girl a lot more. Such as.....Describe how the girl looks like and how the neighborhood looks like and how Jason and David looked like and not just looks sounds like the way the officers voice sounded like calm and gentle or tired and rough. When i read a book i watch it like a movie in my head. And your story was hard to watch. And honestly a secret room!!!! That is not very real. Maybe the vents, attic or basement is what i think would be good or maybe there was a large air vent under the bed that led to a forgotten basement. In conclusion i liked it very dramatic and it catches the readers attention immediately.